User blog:Runato/Considering Taking a Break.
It's just me considering it right now, not actually leaving at this moment. I just want to tell my feelings and all my problems, solved or not, inside while they're actually bothering me, and not when I'm in a good mood that I act oblivious to them. There's been so much drama for me, both inside and out. There's been those times where I was happy to see it, and the next, looking away or becoming really angry or sad with it. I get jealous, I get envious, I get fears, I make lies.. I have my problems with stalkers, following me wherever I go cause they love me or stuff like that when I don't have that same kind of feelings, and trying to blackmail me with the guilt of their suicide or their friendship. I don't want to feel like I'm monitored every single step that I take, I want to be able to speak openly in chat. I don't want to feel ignored all the time, I just wanted to chat friendly whenever I PM you. I don't want to feel dumb cause I can't make a piece of artwork, or I'm not as good at a video game as others, or I can't make as good of an OC Profile as anybody else. I don't want to get angered just cause of something like a video game, even though I've practically dedicated my entire life to them. I don't want to get angered to the point of not being able to tell if something is a joke or not, and hold a grudge against the maker. I don't want to feel envious or jealous of somebody else cause they just simply talked in one conversation with somebody I care about. I don't want to be afraid of losing that someone that I care about so god damn much. I don't want to be insensitive about somebody else's problems with a simple remark. I don't want to be paranoid about having remarks said behind my back like back in high school. I don't want to be afraid of speaking my feelings out and then have that person's image of me get screwed up because of it. I don't want to be afraid about being open to somebody cause it'd screw up our friendship. I don't want to feel like I'm selfish cause I did something to call attention to myself like this blog, or be called an attention whore or so. I don't want to feel like using the "living is suffering" reason as a way to avoid offing myself, cause even though I know that I'm not suicidal, it's just plain weird to use that reason at all. I don't want to be skeptical about somebody else's advice to cheer me up, cause of repeating events that make me so. I don't want to be stuck in yet another vicious circle of pain, which was to leave somebody, come back to them, and get hurt again and leave repeatedly, or to inflict that circle onto somebody else inadvertently. I don't want to bow to this pain, not at all... What do I do? I stood up to this same pain many times before, and I guess my mental tolerance is very low compared to others, cause it's just repeating over and over again to the point where my mind is near the breaking point. I want to stay, maybe my mood will get better instantly like it has been before whenever I made "exile blogs" like this one back when I joined. Will anybody even notice this blog to begin with? That's actually something I'm curious about..Please respond if you do then....I'll just be doing whatever the hell I'm doing at the time contemplating. Category:Blog posts